Just thinking of you and your family / Holley Hugs for everyone.
love you.
So much time / Mommy
Your baby brother's first birthday is fast approaching and you have been on my mind. I think of you each time I see him learn something new. As his personality shines through I can't help but wonder who you would have been. Would you have been like he is? It makes me sad to know that we will never get the chance to know you.
As we get further away from you in time I can't help but feel like I'm losing you all over again. So much has happened...life goes on. I hope you know that no matter where this life takes me you will always be my second child...my Baby Alex. I love you now as much as I did when you and I shared a space. And I will love you forever.
Birthday wishes / Mommy Three years, Baby Alex. We miss you every day and still wish you were with us. Mother's Day fell on your birthday this year and it was, as a friend described it, complicated. Your baby brother Myles is here with us now, but I can't help but think of what could have been if you had lived. I'm sorry I failed you little one. I would give just about anything to change what happened to you...to have you here. I love you and always will.
A new spring / Mommy If it seems as though everyone has forgotten you, please know that I have not. I think of you every single day. I look at your brothers and long for what you and they missed in this life. There is so much that feels out of place without you here. And nothing will ever set it right again. No...I will never forget you and I will miss you forever. You are my son and you hold my heart wherever you are. I love you.
I'm sorry we haven't talked lately / Mommy You have a new baby brother. His name is Myles and he looks just like you.
I miss you so much.
We miss you so much... / Mommy I tucked your things away in my cedar chest a few weeks ago and I've been thinking a lot about you since.
I love you baby boy.
Happy Second Birthday Baby Alex / Mommy I think I miss you more now than I ever have.
At first there was the shock and the horror and the sadness that were so overwhelming. Sometimes those things still rear up and take hold of my heart, but mostly I just miss you. I miss holding you. I miss the anticipation of what you would do...who you would be. I miss what role you would have had in our family. I miss seeing you interact with your big brother.
I wish that I could have heard the sound of your voice...even just once.
I'm so sorry I failed you, sweet Alex. I'm so sorry my ignorance and naivete cost you your life.
I hope you know that I love you and I always will.
Merry Christmas baby boy / Mommy Another Christmas approaches and I can't help but think of you. All the things you would be doing right now...if only you were alive.
I can only gaze at your photo for brief moments here and there...because the sadness is too much. It is all-consuming. You were so perfect. You were my baby boy. And now you are a mere memory.
The other day Sam and I had a conversation where he asked why you and Travis couldn't fall down from heaven and come play with him. I didn't know how to answer. So I explained the realities of death and changed the subject when he asked me, "but why?"
I don't know why.
And I miss you so much.
I love you baby boy.
You should have been there / Mommy Dear Alex:
It's been a long time since I've felt the pull of our "should have been" life together. But here it is...today...staring me right in the face and refusing to go away until I at least acknowledge it is here.
Yesterday we spent the day at the zoo...your daddy, your big brother, your grandma and grandpa, and your uncle. We tried. We tried so hard to fill up the space where you should be...but it just didn't work. You should have been there. You should have been riding in the stroller or the wagon, fussing because it was too hot, oohing and aahing at all the animals and your brother's antics as he ran all around.
When we stopped at the "birthday turtle" for pictures, my heart cried when I saw a mother putting her two children together for pictures on the bronze statue. That should have been us. We should have been putting you in front of Sam, held in his arms, while we made silly faces and tried to get you both to smile.
Our should have been life beckons to me from the silliest places. In those times and places, when my heart is unguarded, the sadness creeps back in.
I miss you, my sweet boy. I will never stop missing you. I hope you understand that I can't live in the should have been world. But I will visit you there...as often as I can manage without going insane.
I love you baby boy... Mommy
Sam and you and Travis / Mommy
When I hold his hand, I think of you. When we play baseball in the big backyard, I think of you.
When I gaze upon his sleeping face, I think of you. When we laugh at "silly daddy," I think of you.
When I kiss him goodbye in the morning, I think of you. When we throw maple seeds into the air to helicopter down, I think of you.
When I plan his birthday party, I think of you. When we plant our flowers together, I think of you.
When I tuck his teddy bears in bed at night, I think of you. When we make plans to camp in our tent or swim in our pool, I think of you.
When he asks me why for the thousandth time, I think of you.
Some might see me as unfaithful to him. But I know he understand that's all I have of you.
He gets the hand-holding, the baseball playing, the snuggling, the laughing, the kisses, the playing, the partying, the planting, the camping and swimming...
You get a mere fleeting thought...and a tear.
Happy Birthday my sweet baby boy / Mommy Dear Alex~
I was approaching this, your first birthday, with such trepidation because I didn't know how I would handle it without you here. And then your little brother Travis died and your whole day has been overshadowed by thoughts of him as well. I'm so sorry for that. You would think, that on this day of all days, you would be the center of attention. You would think I would have learned my lesson...not paying attention cost you your life. May the universe or God or fate forgive me for that. I love you.
I have never loved anyone like I love you...and I never will.
I have never missed anyone like I miss you...and I never will.
For the past year I have sat at your graveside, praying and crying and hoping for some peace...some understanding. I thought I was about to find some when Travis left us to be with you. Now I fear I will spend the next year sitting by both of your gravesides praying and crying and hoping for some peace again.
You should be here...enjoying first birthday cake and presents showered on you by everyone who loves you. Instead, I lit a candle and thought of you in heaven with your baby brother.
We so would have loved to know you...to welcome you into our lives...to seek adventures...to learn and grow together. But this is all we have now...a few fleeting memories of the short time we got to hold you in our arms. You were so beautiful. My arms ache to hold you again. I so wish I could kiss your cheek again.
Please take care of your little brother until I see you both again. I love you so much.
Happy first birthday Alex.
Mommy
so very sad... and i'm sorry / Jane Knynenburg (none) i can't imagine what it's like to lose a child at birth. or anytime for that matter. i just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to tell you how sorry i am for your loss. your website is such a wonderful tribute to your son Alex, i'm sure he knows everything you're saying to him. he is safe in God's hands.
congratulations on your new pregnancy
from a mom / Brigitte Gerard (none) Hello,
My son's name is Alex Gerard. I was so touched by this website. I thought I was going to lose my Alex when he was just 27 days old, but he is still here after 17 years. The similarity in names is what first caught my eye, and I had to keep reading. May God comfort you and keep you close to Him.
My sincerest condolences,
Brigitte Gerard
I'm sorry baby boy / Mommy I'm sorry baby boy. Nobody will answer for your death. We tried...I hope you know that. I will forever blame myself, despite what everyone tells me. I will forever carry with me the "what ifs" and the "if onlys." And I will spend the rest of my life finding a way to honor your memory...giving you at least a part of the life you were robbed of. I'm so sorry my sweet Alex. I love you...and always will.
Wishing you hope & healing / Terra-Lynn Coggan
Please accept my sincere condolences for the loss of your precious baby boy, Alex Gerard Colgan. I am so very sorry for your loss. May you find strength as you journey your loss.
Wishing you hope & healing
Terra-Lynn Coggan Founder & President Bears for Bereaved Mommies www.bearsforbereavedmommies.org
Dear Alex / Mommy Eight months ago you disappeared with a piece of my heart and soul. Will we ever meet again? Will I ever be able to tell you how much I love you? You are my son...my beautiful baby boy...my dream. I miss you every single day.
Merry Christmas sweet boy / Mommy Sam is asleep in anticipation of Santa's arrival, the house is quiet, and Daddy and I are sitting here missing you. Merry Christmas...our beautiful boy. We love you.
TO THE FAMILY / Roslyn Phillips (none) I am so sorry for your loss. But always remember where ever you go or whatever you do Alex will be right beside of you watching over you. I knowAlex was a very loved child by all of your family and every time Mom you think you are alone you can rest asure Alex is there with you. Mom I have never met you but I can read that you are a wonderful womanand I know you are having a hard time right now but be strong and things will get better down the road. You can be sure Alex is with the Lord and keeping an eye on Mom every second watching out for her. God bless you mom and the whole family, and again I am so sorry for your loss.
Christmas/ Mommy How do we face the holidays without you? You've been gone for seven months and I'm still lost without you. We should be watching you laugh and play for this Christmas, not visiting your grave in the cemetery.
I'm overwhelmed with the feeling of missing you. Do you know how much I love you? With all my heart and soul. You took a piece of me when you left.
I love you baby boy.
Thanksgiving/ Mommy My sweet boy. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I just wanted to let you know how thankful I am that you were with me for even a short time. I am so unbelievably sad that you won't be here to enjoy Grandma's turkey dinner with us. But I know that you are with us in spirit and I am thankful that we can count you as part of our family. We miss you and we so wish things were different. We will be thinking of you and imagining how things should have been. We love you.
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