It seems like forever since I felt the weight of you in my belly. It seems like a blink of an eye that I held you in my arms. I have spent the last twenty-seven weeks trying to make sense out of all of this. Why you left...where you went...do you know I love you? But there just isn't anything that is going to make sense of this.

Well-meaning people tell me I should take comfort in the fact that you are in heaven...with your Grandpa Colgan...and with God. I suppose there is some comfort there. But what I really want is you in my arms...nursing at my breast...getting tickled by your father...giggling with your brother. I don't want you in heaven. I want you HERE. I miss you so much I ache with it.

No, there is no sense to be made of this. It's just the way it is.

I will miss you until my dying day my sweet baby boy. I would do anything to have you here with me. And I'm so so sorry that you're not.

Today you should be four months old.  You should be starting to eat solid foods (as the Gerber people keep telling me).  You should be developing a little personality and learning to interact with others.  You should have outgrown 3-6 month clothing already and you should be wearing 6-9 month outfits your grandma couldn't resist buying you even though she really can't afford it.  You should be getting all ready for your first Halloween in your pumpkin costume.  You should be making those first efforts to sit up all by yourself.  You should be smiling and cooing at friends and family. 

Instead, you are five months gone. 

You left more than the emptiness in my tummy and the gaping hole in my heart when you left.  You left these little swiss-cheese-like holes all over the place in our lives.  Everywhere I look I see them.  I hate them.

I was thinking yesterday how lucky I am to have loved enough to grieve for you.  I knew the blessing of carrying your little soul around with me for those 35 weeks.  That is why this is so hard...why it makes me so sad to not be able to see you and hold you...because I love you so much. 

I took you a pumpkin and some bright fall flowers yesterday.  Can you see them?  Do you even know they're there?  Do you know how many tears I cry for you every single day?  Does it matter?  Or are you just gone...nothing left but my memories?

Assuming you can still hear me, I've just got a bit of a rant I want to share.  I'm sorry Alex, but you should know your mom's got a bit of a temper...nobody's perfect.

I have heard people say, for a variety of reasons over the past few days, that everything happens for a reason.  Am I really supposed to take comfort in the fact that this is what I'm supposed to have?  I do feel blessed to have met the wonderful people I have since you died...but is it really supposed to matter to me that I can talk to people about dead babies because I've had this experience?  Doesn't it matter that I loved you so much and I wanted you here with me?  Does God really think it was worth your life to teach me some lesson?  Tell God I think that sucks and I hate him for it.

That's not true.  I hate this...but I don't hate God.  I'm entirely pissed off at God and wondering a lot about who he is and how he's supposed to fit in...but I don't hate him.  I did.  But my hatred has softened into mere anger, just as my grief has softened over the past five months into a sadness that I can manage.  Don't get me wrong, I still have a temper.  But I am learning to measure my right to be angry against others who have suffered more or worse then we have. 

A friend talks about seeing tragedies around the world in a new way.  Looking at the big picture and, while not wishing ill on others, saying to oneself, "Yeah, that's how it feels."  You know what though?  I'm sure there is someone looking at me and saying, "yeah, that's how it feels," as though I've got it good.  I'm sure there is someone comparing their life to mine and thinking, "she finally got a small taste of what it's like."  Of course I know the world doesn't know ME.  But I've got a great life comparatively speaking.  There's just this one thing that went wrong...one thing I would change.

There is just one thing I would change.  Daddy and I talked about that a while back.  We were so completely happy.  We had a house, pets, family...it was all just right...such that if we had to do it all again we wouldn't change a thing because we really liked where we had landed.  oooh boy, can that come back to bite you.  I'll know now to never say something like that again.  I wonder...what would you choose?  Maybe you didn't want to be with us?  I know that can't be true.  You fought so hard to stay with us.  If only we had paid better attention to your pleas for help...

Is there a reason for everything Alex?  You've presumably got all the answers now.  Would you mind whispering one or two in my ear as I sleep?  I've always been the analytical one...the one who needed answers.  This not knowing is killing me.  Would it break all the rules if you just helped me a tiny bit here?

Some day I hope to be able to celebrate that you existed.  Right now I'm still mourning that you don't. 

I miss you to the moon and back my little one.

I wonder who you would be.  I wonder what you would have liked and disliked.  I wonder a thousand things about you.

But I will never know these things.

1/3 of a year has passed and I don't know how to go on without you.  You changed my life in all good ways.  But your leaving changed my life in bad ways too. 

Can you understand that I'm angry?  Can you understand that I'm immeasurably sad?  Can you understand that we love you but we have to move on?

There will always be a place for you in our hearts.  And when we have those happy moment in our lives, there will always be an empty space where you should fit in.  Kind of like a jigsaw puzzle with a missing piece.  The picture is generally beautiful, despite being marred by that absent puzzle piece.

We will always love you.  We will always wish you were here with us.  Thank you for sharing a little bit of time with me...I feel honored to be your mommy.

Today it has been three months since you left my body and left me to a life without you.

I'm sorry that I let you down. You blessed my life in so many ways and I was oblivious to what you needed. I failed you. If there was anything I could do to change things, I would. I hope you know I love you and I want you here with me. I hope you know how very sorry I am.

I probably wouldn't be this way
I probably wouldn't hurt so bad
I never pictured every minute without you in it
Oh You left so fast
Sometimes I see you standing there
Sometimes it's like I'm losing touch
Sometimes I feel that I'm so lucky to have had the chance to love this much
God gave me a moment's grace
'Cause if I'd never seen your face
I probably wouldn't be this way

 I found this on my own search and thought to share it with you. Im so very sorry for your loss.  you can visit my sons site if you would like http://anthony-cox.memory-of.com 
Infants' Graves

Infants' graves are steps of angels, where
Earth's brightest gems of innocence repose.
God is their parent, and they need no tear,
He takes them to his bosom from earth's woes,
A bud their lifetime and a flower their close.
Their spirits are an Iris of the skies,
Needing no prayers; a sunset's happy close,
Gone are the bright rays of their soft blue eyes;
Flowers weep in dewdrops o'er them, and the gale gently sighs.

Their lives were nothing but a sunny shower,
Melting on flowers as tears melt from the eye,
Their deaths were dewdrops on heaven's amaranth bower,
And tolled on flowers as summer gales went by.
They bowed and trembled, and they left no sigh,
And the sun smiled to show their end was well.
Infants have naught to weep for ere they die;
All prayers are needless, beads they need not tell,
White flowers their mourners are, nature their passing-bell.